If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
