So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
