no, he came in my armpit
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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