i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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