Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
