Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
