the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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