Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
