So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
