he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
