i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We have so much sex to catch up on
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i believe in u and ur pee
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
