her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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