goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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