I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Randomize
