You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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