Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
