k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
