I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
