haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
