You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
