I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
