I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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