So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
