Who did Billy Mays play for?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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