i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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