Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
