the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
it glows. i had to have it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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