I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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