i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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