So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
is wine microwaveable?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
