sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
