it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
