just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
