Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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