my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
