Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
