I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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