did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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