I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
