I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's shark week go big or go home
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
