2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
