You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
