Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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