I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
