rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
