could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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