Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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