What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
