The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
