I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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