physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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