I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
