My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
