Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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