My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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