She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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