I just gift wrapped bread.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
