so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
A+ Viking dick
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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