having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
