ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
