We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
