I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
