hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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