No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
