you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
