you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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